Suicide

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.” ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

There are so many articles, movies, TV shows, Cartoons, experts, doctors and so many people who talk about what Suicide is.
They say how unnatural & selfish the person who commits suicide is, they say that they should’ve just asked for help, they say they don’t think of anyone else but themselves, they say they’re just stupid or that they just wanted attention.

I’m just another person to tell you what it really is. What you really feel at that moment you want to just die.

I can tell you that, it’s not like that moment when you say I’ve had such a bad day, I want to die. No, it isn’t that moment when your grades are low that one exam & you want to just die. It isn’t when your bills came out so high that month, you want to die.

No, that isn’t what it is.

It’s days, weeks & months of pain,
Pain that takes you to point when you can’t feel anything
It’s pain that drags you to a corner
And makes you hate everything and feel nothing
It repeats the bad stuff over & over & over

It’s when you push the good stuff away
It’s when you know you’re a burden
When the smallest of mistakes make you feel like a loser

It’s the constant pain
Just & only pain

It’s days of being underwater with no way out
It’s days of hating yourself
It’s days of breathing with your ‘heart under attack’
It’s days of your brain telling you to quit
It’s days of people telling you to go away
It’s days of bullying
It’s days of being called a ‘loser’
It’s days of crying & suffering

It’s days of no one smiling at you
It’s days of no one asking you “How are you?”
It’s days of no one caring for you
It’s days & days of torture within the core of your very being

It’s days of knowing it won’t matter if you’re alive anyway

So, it’s better off, being dead instead.

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I almost gave up

He : What’s the matter with you?

Me: Nothing.

Nothing was slowly clotting my arteries. Nothing slowly numbing my soul. Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me. When I am nothing they will say surprised in the way that they are forever surprised, “but there was nothing the matter with her.” – Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Last night,

I almost gave up.

It was the easier way out

There was no hope left

I was scared and

Tired of fighting

all these voices yelling at me

inside my head

and Outside

“You’re Fat”
“You should’ve done more”
“You wasted all these years”

I fed the dark monster

Fed it till it over powered me

I confided in him all my insecurities

All my doubts

All my plans to kill myself & unburden everyone around me

But then there was another voice

It didn’t belong to me or the monster

It came from another world inside me

A world I didn’t know existed

It was created by the person I used to love

Her voice belonged to the woman I was

It told me that I deserved to live

Those voices lie

The monster began to starve

I didn’t give up

I tied a leash around it

I’ve taken many small steps since then

Now here I am

Still fighting & Still alive

I float in Nothingness many times

But it doesn’t last for long

This is a fight that will never end

But I won’t ever almost give up again

#WhyIStayed

“Because I no longer knew who I was” #whyIstayed – Twitter

My Dear Baby,

I feel very small & terribly ashamed to talk to you right now. You are in this state because of the choices I made. I lived in fear & based my choices on that.

I was afraid of moving out, afraid of standing up for myself, afraid of what the world would say, afraid of what he would do, afraid of how I would take care of you.

I didn’t even know who I was anymore. All I knew was that I was his wife & your mother.

I don’t know why I kept my fear ahead of me & didn’t think of you first. Those cuts on your arm, and empty bottle of pills lying on the floor just paints an ugly picture of what a terrible mother I have been.

Looking back I realize I chose to ignore all the little signs that used to tell me that he is not right for me. I was so caught up in the pressure of getting married & parent’s disapproving stares that I chose to ignore the time he yelled & broke a lamp when I cancelled plans with him & spent the day with my best friend (now ex). I ignored the time when he didn’t eat anything the whole day because I was talking to some male friends. I even ignored it when he accused me of cheating on him when I came back home late from work & all those times he asked me to quit my job because he would earn enough for the two of us.

I ignored the way his father treated his mother & the way he spoke to his sister.

He treated me as though I was a piece of furniture & that he owned me. He would kick when he was angry, slap when he felt like displaying his ‘masculinity’, ordered me to sleep with him when he wanted, threw things at me when I spent a little extra on groceries & told me I was worthless till I believed it.

I thought he would change because for every slap, he would bake me cupcakes or wash the dishes, for every time he raped me, he would buy me flowers & he would gift me a new dress to wear when we used to visit his friends. I felt as though everything he did to me was well deserved.

It was all my fault.

I loved him so much that I forgot who I was when I was with him & forgot how to love myself. Everyone I loved, everyone I knew were pushed away because I was too afraid to speak the truth.

When you were born, you should’ve seen the look on his face. It was so beautiful. His face emitted this glow full of love & joy that I forgot everything he did to me. He nearly cried the first time you smiled.

He looked like he finally changed.

But he hadn’t. He now owned two ‘things’. The same cycle repeated itself since you were born until today. Today, when you were so scarred from our screams, my black eyes, wounds on my body & broken lamps that you tried to swallow the pills on my nightstand & use your father’s blade to cut yourself.

Today, my love, I promise to pay you back with love & happiness for every drop of blood spilled, kisses for every tear drop shed & hugs for every breath you lost because of me. I promise I will respect myself enough & love you so much that this part of our life together would forever be in the past & we will never be a part of this again.

Love, Mom x

Note: I have written this after reading so many cases & watching multiple heartbreaking videos related to Domestic Violence. It’s really sad that there are many people (yes, there are many women in this too) out there who feel the need to assert their power & dominate over those around them this way. It’s upsetting that so many repeat what they have seen their parents do, on their partners & children. So many who believe this is the way of live & so many who accept this as their fate.We must all take a stand against his horrific crime & teach our future generation to always take a stand for themselves, respect & love themselves & always remember that they never are & never will be worthless.