Am I Sick?

“I’ve been embraced by a new community. That’s what happens when you’re finally honest about who you are; you find others like you.” – Chaz Bono

I have a husband and a baby on the way
But I don’t understand why
I don’t love him anymore
(or if I ever did?)

There is a lady I know
Who feels the same way as I do
But I don’t understand why
She’s the one I want

They call it a sickness
And that I’m a sinner
It’s written in the Holy Books
And it’s Punishable in the eyes of the Law

Is there a cure
Of this crazy disease
That makes me love someone
Who is made like me

What can I do except try & forget
This feeling growing inside me…

To the One who never left

“Everytime people ask me if I’m okay, it’s just a reminder that I’m not” – Read somewhere

It was easy,

Slipping to the Dark Side…

It gave her comfort & warmth

Things she no longer felt

Around the people

Who said they loved her

They asked her,

Why was she was so quiet & sad

She had no answer to give

They would suggest Yoga & Breathing exercises

Nothing worked she told them…

So they just left her lying in the dark

It was easier,

Than to deal with her…

She stayed there till she met someone

Who just didn’t want to leave

When she went to the dark,

He followed

When she was cold,

He wrapped his arms around her

When she wanted to hide under the blanket

He hid with her

She couldn’t believe

There was someone

In this big & cruel world

Who loved her more than

She could ever love herself

She never strayed to the dark side again

She didn’t want him

To feel the Pain she did

She wanted to protect him

And Love him

She smiled for the first time that night…

Tonight is unusually silent

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Tonight is unusually silent. The usual sounds of crickets in our backyard & soft wind blowing against the leaves were replaced by this silence.

It’s unusually quiet …The kind of silence before a storm.

The clock shows me it’s just 3am & I can’t seem to sleep anymore. I look at the frame besides it & see our smiling faces stuck in time forever, framed on our bed side table. It was the day we left for our honeymoon.

I can’t remember the date; it was so long ago.

We have been through so much since then.

I remember the day we got back & you got that dreaded phone call. I know it’s your duty & everything but I could never make peace with the fact that the woman I love, had to leave maybe never to return.

I’m one of the proudest husbands around! How can I not be? My beautiful & strong wife serves in the army…
It is an honor to even be associated with someone who partakes in something as noble as protecting your country & it’s countrymen from those who wish Her harm; and here I am, married to one such person.

Each scar on her body reminds me of how wonderful she is, each & every one of them is a souvenir of every bad day & some good ones she has been through in the past 5 years. They have done nothing but enhance her beauty.

But no matter how proud I am, it kills me inside; slowly.

Seeing you in that uniform, waving goodbye & blowing flying kisses, I can’t help but hold you and never let you go.

I love you but these goodbyes are the hardest. I can’t even imagine the horrors you go through, all the terrible things you see; things that haunt you for days on end but I live a nightmare every single minute of every single day you are away.

Your letters to me & the 30 second phone calls are the only things that keep me going all that time you aren’t here.

I can’t imagine a world that you are not a part of…

Tonight is unusually still…

I can feel the soft breeze touch my face & I see you standing there in front of me. You are waving back at me & blowing flying kisses, but it isn’t you, it was just an illusion…

The unusual stillness was broken by the sounds of a man in a uniform walking towards our doorstep.

It began to rain…

Letting You Go…

“I finally understood what true love meant…love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.” ― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

I Love You so
I’ll let you go
I can’t bear to see
How unhappy you’re here with me…

He’s everything to you
That I can see
The only difference between us is
That I’m not him…

Be with him
You two are meant to be…

Our stars say
We are a match
How can we be one when
You don’t love me

I’m glad you met “The One”
Be happy, that’s all I wish…

In the future, I may meet another
However, you’ll always be the one
I’ve ever truly loved…

I’m letting you go
This is hard for me…
So ignore my emails & texts,
My cards & calls,

Tell me it’s over, again and again
Till my heart learns
To Live without you once more…

Why we Miss the Silver Lining?

“We’re wired to expect the world to be brighter and more meaningful and more obviously interesting than it actually is. And when we realize that it isn’t, we start looking around for the real world.” ― Lev Grossman

Every step we have taken together has been a joyous walk to wherever it is we are walking towards. There have been many not-so-great situations in the external world but I’m glad to be holding your hands & fighting all the demons around us.

While looking for a partner, I wasn’t looking for someone who would just send me flowers everyday or tell me that he loves me all the time but someone who would just be – a partner, a partner during the worst, during the boring & the best times of our lives together. We would be strong for each other & always believe in ourselves.

We would bring out the best in each other but also accept each others dark sides.

At the same time I always assumed that once I meet “the One”, everything would finally fall into place.

What I didn’t see was that there are so many situations, experiences & circumstances that make us who we are. We are as complicated as we are simple to decipher.

What I’ve come to realize is that once we are together, we don’t become a single entity but we are two different people who have decided that we are compatible enough (and like each other enough) to live together, spend the rest of our lives together & have a little family of our own.

Even though we are together, we still have our own demons to fight.

Just because you’re my partner, you can’t fight my demons & I can’t fight yours because we don’t understand how to fight them.

The reason I’m writing all of this is because I’m just beginning to understand what kind of expectations I can keep & I get now that you can’t fix everything. You are my partner, not some wizard who can correct everything wrong in my life using magic.

All I can expect from you is that you will be there when I come back beaten black & blue and help me clean the wounds. I can expect you to give me a hug when I’ve failed & celebrate with chocolate cake & French fries when I win.

I’m not perfect and you have your own little flaws but we are good with each other & ultimately that’s what matters.

“Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold” – Maurice Setter

P.S: Let’s get French Fries.