When everything seems Right

“They ask. “How are you doing?” But what they mean is “Are you over it yet?” My lips say, “Fine, thanks”, but my eyes tell a different story, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps.” – healthyplace.com

Sometimes even when things seem right
Even when things are going according to plan
Even though everything is right where it’s supposed to be
Even when you are where you’re supposed to be

It feels wrong and weird
Like your perfect world is suddenly turned to a shade,
Darker than the darkest shade of gray
When you have the most wonderful conversations,
But they’re always tinted with a hint of sadness

You feel like you’re in a dark hole
Some place warm & safe,
But you can’t feel anything there
Not sadness, not happiness
It’s a place that sucks your soul dry,
Of everything good & everything bad
And you’re left with nothing

Waking up is a chore
Eating is a task
Others are better off away
Living seems unnecessary…

All you can see in this perfect world
Through tear glazed eyes
And a numb mind,
Is lost hope & dreams
The lost will to live
And all the imperfections in everything that is just right…

 

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Rock bottom…

“And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way.” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel

My eyes refuse to see the beautiful colours all around & my brain can’t register what I eat; Pizza, Chocolate, French Fries, Eggplant; it all tastes the same; Bland.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve ‘seen the light’.

It was easy to get adjusted to this darkness. It was the kind that hugged you tight & never let go. It gives that feeling of comfort, that makes you forget what you’ve really been born to do…

I’ve forgotten how to show expressions, I cry when I’m happy (or sad or angry or upset or bored).

I used to be quite strong but right now I don’t want to wake up in the morning or sleep at night. All I wish to do is Nothing. All my dreams & interests, all seem like a far-away thought, something like a forgotten friend…

Every time I have a reason to smile a little, something insignificant comes up & I spiral downwards once again…

I know I’ve hit rock bottom.

I’ve heard it all before, that things will get better, that there’s no way around but Up but I feel that I’m just digging around me and scurrying further into the dark hole.

I have started to slowly dig around, to find the light to guide me to where I’m supposed to go but as for this moment, I’ll stay here, safe & sound.

To the One who never left

“Everytime people ask me if I’m okay, it’s just a reminder that I’m not” – Read somewhere

It was easy,

Slipping to the Dark Side…

It gave her comfort & warmth

Things she no longer felt

Around the people

Who said they loved her

They asked her,

Why was she was so quiet & sad

She had no answer to give

They would suggest Yoga & Breathing exercises

Nothing worked she told them…

So they just left her lying in the dark

It was easier,

Than to deal with her…

She stayed there till she met someone

Who just didn’t want to leave

When she went to the dark,

He followed

When she was cold,

He wrapped his arms around her

When she wanted to hide under the blanket

He hid with her

She couldn’t believe

There was someone

In this big & cruel world

Who loved her more than

She could ever love herself

She never strayed to the dark side again

She didn’t want him

To feel the Pain she did

She wanted to protect him

And Love him

She smiled for the first time that night…

I almost gave up

He : What’s the matter with you?

Me: Nothing.

Nothing was slowly clotting my arteries. Nothing slowly numbing my soul. Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me. When I am nothing they will say surprised in the way that they are forever surprised, “but there was nothing the matter with her.” – Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Last night,

I almost gave up.

It was the easier way out

There was no hope left

I was scared and

Tired of fighting

all these voices yelling at me

inside my head

and Outside

“You’re Fat”
“You should’ve done more”
“You wasted all these years”

I fed the dark monster

Fed it till it over powered me

I confided in him all my insecurities

All my doubts

All my plans to kill myself & unburden everyone around me

But then there was another voice

It didn’t belong to me or the monster

It came from another world inside me

A world I didn’t know existed

It was created by the person I used to love

Her voice belonged to the woman I was

It told me that I deserved to live

Those voices lie

The monster began to starve

I didn’t give up

I tied a leash around it

I’ve taken many small steps since then

Now here I am

Still fighting & Still alive

I float in Nothingness many times

But it doesn’t last for long

This is a fight that will never end

But I won’t ever almost give up again

I have to leave now…

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.” ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

Dear Best Friend,

Seeing you lying in bed, hogging most of the blue blanket we share, I can’t help but feel that I have no purpose in life other than protecting you from everything evil around us.

I stare at your beautiful face; flawless brown skin, perfectly shaped eyebrows, your long nose, the changing expressions, the slow rise & fall of your chest, your long hair strewn all about the pillow; you look so peaceful, full of hope & light.

I kiss your forehead & you stir slightly but fall back immediately.

We are best friends but I don’t know how or when it happened, but I fell in love with you.

I love when you keep talking & then suddenly stop & begin to think about something, I love that you patiently listen to everything I say & try to solve every problem, every hug & your lipstick marks on my cheeks, the passion in your eyes when you speak about your future, dreams & interests; everything.

But I have to leave. I know I won’t regret my decision because I know you’ll be happy with someone who would be able to take care of you, something you have never experienced. I’m not a coward nor am I trying to be a martyr, I’m just trying to be realistic.

Our story isn’t a romantic novel or some TV series where I can be sure we will be together always but we are something like Fire & Gasoline. Together we would burn everything in our path & each other till there is nothing left.

I love you with a passion that drives me crazy every time you touch me & it scares me that I would fall into the depths of your dark brown eyes, never to return.

Every person you meet, falls in love with you. I get jealous when you speak about the others in your life but I also know that they have the ability to make you happier than I ever can. Your smallest smile can light up my day & a single tear tears me apart inside.

You always choose to see the best in every person, even in a hopelessly flawed person such as me. You give me hope & because of you, I can find the strength within me to forgive myself & others. Your inner glow provides the light to guide me on the very difficult path I’m traveling on.

I know the person you get married to would be the luckiest man in the world to have you standing by his side.

I’m writing all of this because despite your efforts & mine, the demons within me have hacked all through & invaded all of me. I can’t fight them anymore & I’m tired & can’t lift the sword long enough to slash the demons that attack me every single day. Their powers just go on increasing & most days I can’t distinguish between what’s real & what’s not.

I can see things even when they aren’t around.

As I’m writing this to you, the only one I have seen myself with, there is a masked person sitting at the foot of my bed holding a knife already dripping with blood, waiting for me to complete so that I can accompany him to his land.

All I have to do is to have all the tablets lying on the bed side table. He says they would give me the wings I need to fly with him.

My best friend, please don’t think of me as someone who has given up & left you, but as someone who had no other choice because I had to protect you – from me.

I have to leave now.

You must know that every time our songs play on the radio or there is a sudden shower of rain, it would be me thinking about you (like he sings in our favorite country song).

I love you, always & I hope that someday you find the power within yourself to forgive me.