When everything seems Right

“They ask. “How are you doing?” But what they mean is “Are you over it yet?” My lips say, “Fine, thanks”, but my eyes tell a different story, my heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps.” – healthyplace.com

Sometimes even when things seem right
Even when things are going according to plan
Even though everything is right where it’s supposed to be
Even when you are where you’re supposed to be

It feels wrong and weird
Like your perfect world is suddenly turned to a shade,
Darker than the darkest shade of gray
When you have the most wonderful conversations,
But they’re always tinted with a hint of sadness

You feel like you’re in a dark hole
Some place warm & safe,
But you can’t feel anything there
Not sadness, not happiness
It’s a place that sucks your soul dry,
Of everything good & everything bad
And you’re left with nothing

Waking up is a chore
Eating is a task
Others are better off away
Living seems unnecessary…

All you can see in this perfect world
Through tear glazed eyes
And a numb mind,
Is lost hope & dreams
The lost will to live
And all the imperfections in everything that is just right…



To the Selfish One

“Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.” ~ Seen on church sign

Dear Mother who was texting while driving,

Let me tell you a story. Do read, it isn’t too long…

Once upon a time there was a lady who needed to drive to the Grocery store to prepare for a party she was hosting. On the way, she picked her kids from school & they drove together to the store.

On the way back, her phone began buzzing with texts & she couldn’t wait another 15 minutes to read them. There were no cars in front of her & there were no cops either.

She found that it was easy; texting while driving wasn’t such a big deal. People like exaggerating about such trivial matters. She continued doing so for a few months. She was safe, so were the passengers in her car & the pedestrians on the road. She was quite confident & learnt a few skills on how to multi task while driving.

One night, she had to pick her kids from a party & as always she needed to send an “urgent” text to a lady regarding the dress she just bought. She was about to reach & as soon as she hit the send button, she felt her car hit something.

She panicked because she couldn’t remember seeing anyone in front of her car.

She looked away for just a second.

She got off the car & found her son under the wheels of her car. His legs were twisted in weird angles & his eyes were shut tight as though scared of something.

She lost him that night; Because of an “urgent” text.

So dear mother who was texting while driving, what I really want to tell you is you are as irresponsible as the pregnant lady who smokes 10 cigarettes daily.

How could you text while driving? Your eyes aren’t even on the road in front of you!

Did you know there was a car behind you? They needed to get to their unwell kid as soon as possible but you were driving so slow on the one-lane road, they couldn’t even overtake you.

Can you imagine how selfish you’re being?

What is the worst that could happen if you didn’t send that text? Couldn’t you wait another 10 minutes?

If you really are so addicted why don’t you get a chauffeur?

The worst part of this whole thing is I saw you doing this while your kids were in the back seat. Can’t you see what your kids are learning from you?

They would assume it’s normal to text & drive!

God forbid, If they ever meet with an accident or you see their dead bodies in front of you, don’t blame anyone else but yourself…

It would be your fault.

Because of you, another mother could lose her child, a lady could lose her husband, a child could be orphaned & it would all be because you couldn’t wait 5 minutes to send a text or share a post on Facebook.

You, the irresponsible citizen & mother who was texting while driving.

I wish you think of others too before you text & drive. Think of the consequences of your actions, think of your children & family because texting & driving is the same as driving blind for 5 seconds at a time.

You’re a terrible person & I hope you realize what you’re doing before its too late.

Note: I have noticed an increase in the number of people texting while driving. It’s so frustrating to see mothers, fathers, young men & women doing so.
What I wish to tell them is that your life may not be really that important to you but remember, if you go down, you will surely drag someone down with you.

Please stop texting & driving.

Texting while driving results in longer response times than even drunken driving. While an unimpaired driver can respond quickly to changes in traffic and begin braking within half a second, a legally drunk driver needs four additional feet to begin braking—and a driver who’s texting needs 70. ~Virginia Tech Transportation Institute

Three Days…

“A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending.” ― R.J. Gonzales

Did you know you were perfect? You had the perfect little fingers & toes & your daddy’s beautiful brown eyes, soft black hair & the family nose.

You were absolutely perfect except for the one glitch, you had to leave us soon…

Three days since we met

Three days since they told us, you have an hour to live

Three days since they told us, your heart can’t help you live & no one else’s can

Three days to kiss you three hundred thousand days of kisses

Three days to cut hundred years of birthday cakes

Three days to click crazy selfies (mostly with you asleep)

Three days for your grandparents & great-grandparents to spoil you

Three days watching you speak to someone in your sleep

Three days feeling you hold our fingers tight

Three days to take in your own unique baby scent

Three days to show you our (your) world

Three days to feed you

Three days to dance with you in my arms

Three days to blow bubbles with daddy

Three days to sleep feeling your soft body next to ours

Three days that felt like three minutes with you

Three days to decide to call you Vansh

Three days to make enough memories to last a lifetime

Three days to call you ours & let you go

Three days to love you until we meet again

Three days to say Good-bye

I have to leave now…

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.” ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

Dear Best Friend,

Seeing you lying in bed, hogging most of the blue blanket we share, I can’t help but feel that I have no purpose in life other than protecting you from everything evil around us.

I stare at your beautiful face; flawless brown skin, perfectly shaped eyebrows, your long nose, the changing expressions, the slow rise & fall of your chest, your long hair strewn all about the pillow; you look so peaceful, full of hope & light.

I kiss your forehead & you stir slightly but fall back immediately.

We are best friends but I don’t know how or when it happened, but I fell in love with you.

I love when you keep talking & then suddenly stop & begin to think about something, I love that you patiently listen to everything I say & try to solve every problem, every hug & your lipstick marks on my cheeks, the passion in your eyes when you speak about your future, dreams & interests; everything.

But I have to leave. I know I won’t regret my decision because I know you’ll be happy with someone who would be able to take care of you, something you have never experienced. I’m not a coward nor am I trying to be a martyr, I’m just trying to be realistic.

Our story isn’t a romantic novel or some TV series where I can be sure we will be together always but we are something like Fire & Gasoline. Together we would burn everything in our path & each other till there is nothing left.

I love you with a passion that drives me crazy every time you touch me & it scares me that I would fall into the depths of your dark brown eyes, never to return.

Every person you meet, falls in love with you. I get jealous when you speak about the others in your life but I also know that they have the ability to make you happier than I ever can. Your smallest smile can light up my day & a single tear tears me apart inside.

You always choose to see the best in every person, even in a hopelessly flawed person such as me. You give me hope & because of you, I can find the strength within me to forgive myself & others. Your inner glow provides the light to guide me on the very difficult path I’m traveling on.

I know the person you get married to would be the luckiest man in the world to have you standing by his side.

I’m writing all of this because despite your efforts & mine, the demons within me have hacked all through & invaded all of me. I can’t fight them anymore & I’m tired & can’t lift the sword long enough to slash the demons that attack me every single day. Their powers just go on increasing & most days I can’t distinguish between what’s real & what’s not.

I can see things even when they aren’t around.

As I’m writing this to you, the only one I have seen myself with, there is a masked person sitting at the foot of my bed holding a knife already dripping with blood, waiting for me to complete so that I can accompany him to his land.

All I have to do is to have all the tablets lying on the bed side table. He says they would give me the wings I need to fly with him.

My best friend, please don’t think of me as someone who has given up & left you, but as someone who had no other choice because I had to protect you – from me.

I have to leave now.

You must know that every time our songs play on the radio or there is a sudden shower of rain, it would be me thinking about you (like he sings in our favorite country song).

I love you, always & I hope that someday you find the power within yourself to forgive me.

Your First Love…

“We love the things that destroy us, because in that destruction we truly feel alive.” ― Robert Pobi

You met her in your first year of college. You were just 17. You were introduced to her in a party by your friends. They liked her a lot too but weren’t as focused on her as you were.

Perhaps it was the way she looked or perhaps it was the way she made you feel, whatever it was you could never let her go. She became your obsession, your reason to live.

She was the forbidden fruit that you weren’t allowed to be seen with.

Every night you spent with her, you did things that you never imagined you would even in your wildest of dreams. She brought out the worst & the best side of you. Around her you spoke of your deepest fears, desires & dreams.

With her you felt you could conquer the world. You had your best moments of your life with her, even though you could never remember living through them.

With her though, you began to ignore the rest of the world, family, friends & your career. She was all you wanted in this whole world. Your whole life revolved around spending time with her. You had several interventions by many loved ones, therapy sessions & even put in a place but none could get you over your addiction over spending time with her.

You could never let her out of your system because you never met anyone like her before until that fateful day. With her on the passenger’s seat, you went for a drive & drove at a speed of 120km/h because she dared you to, crossed a red light & drove into a tree almost killing yourself.

That second changed your life forever.

You suddenly saw her for what she really was. You saw that bottle of Jack Daniels next to you & realized that only poison ran through her veins & that had tainted your mind & character in a way that there was no going back to that 17 year old you once were.

She led you to a state where you were left with no one by your side, you were all alone.

That’s when you left us all when you decided to take that final step over that bridge 100 feet over the ground below.

You forgot that there were still two, old people in this world who loved you even when you forgot them under the influence of alcohol that consumed your life. They are now sitting by your grave at this very moment, crying & wishing that you had never met her in the first place…