Suicide

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.” ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

There are so many articles, movies, TV shows, Cartoons, experts, doctors and so many people who talk about what Suicide is.
They say how unnatural & selfish the person who commits suicide is, they say that they should’ve just asked for help, they say they don’t think of anyone else but themselves, they say they’re just stupid or that they just wanted attention.

I’m just another person to tell you what it really is. What you really feel at that moment you want to just die.

I can tell you that, it’s not like that moment when you say I’ve had such a bad day, I want to die. No, it isn’t that moment when your grades are low that one exam & you want to just die. It isn’t when your bills came out so high that month, you want to die.

No, that isn’t what it is.

It’s days, weeks & months of pain,
Pain that takes you to point when you can’t feel anything
It’s pain that drags you to a corner
And makes you hate everything and feel nothing
It repeats the bad stuff over & over & over

It’s when you push the good stuff away
It’s when you know you’re a burden
When the smallest of mistakes make you feel like a loser

It’s the constant pain
Just & only pain

It’s days of being underwater with no way out
It’s days of hating yourself
It’s days of breathing with your ‘heart under attack’
It’s days of your brain telling you to quit
It’s days of people telling you to go away
It’s days of bullying
It’s days of being called a ‘loser’
It’s days of crying & suffering

It’s days of no one smiling at you
It’s days of no one asking you “How are you?”
It’s days of no one caring for you
It’s days & days of torture within the core of your very being

It’s days of knowing it won’t matter if you’re alive anyway

So, it’s better off, being dead instead.

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Don’t be a Bystander…

“Stand up to ignorance, because if you don’t, the ignorant will run free to spread ignorance like a disease.” ― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

Don’t be a Bystander
Stand up & fight for her…

Don’t tell her what to wear,
Eat,
Or Do…
Stand up for her instead…

Sometimes she’s tired
Of all the touches, glares & weird grins…
Fight for her,
When she can’t, for herself…

It doesn’t matter where she is,
In crowds or secluded places,
It isn’t her fault…

Actually, it’s never her fault…

Tell her she’s strong
When she’s not…
Tell her you’re with her
No matter what…

Tell her to hit & kick & shout & scream
When they use her body
To boost their ego,
prove their “manliness”,
and satisfy their so-called “needs”…

Tell her it isn’t her fault
Till she believes it,

And, you believe it yourself…

Learn what’s truly right & wrong
And Fight for her,
When she can’t, for herself

 

 

Am I Sick?

“I’ve been embraced by a new community. That’s what happens when you’re finally honest about who you are; you find others like you.” – Chaz Bono

I have a husband and a baby on the way
But I don’t understand why
I don’t love him anymore
(or if I ever did?)

There is a lady I know
Who feels the same way as I do
But I don’t understand why
She’s the one I want

They call it a sickness
And that I’m a sinner
It’s written in the Holy Books
And it’s Punishable in the eyes of the Law

Is there a cure
Of this crazy disease
That makes me love someone
Who is made like me

What can I do except try & forget
This feeling growing inside me…

Acceptance

“…When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.” ― John Green

Once you accept everything in your control and all that isn’t, life suddenly seems like a ‘breeze’ to live.
It feels as though a weight is lifted off your shoulders. It’s easier to breathe, to love and to smile.

There was a question, always on my mind; “What if?”

What if I studied a bit more?
What if I feared a bit less?
What if I did something more useful?

What if? What if? What if?

I got tired of asking these questions to myself; day in & day out.
I got tired that my brain and my heart had to go through this whole round of hate, self- pity & regret to answer those questions.

I detested the fact that I put myself through all of this self-doubt & negativity. It was absolutely awful.
Imagine thinking about all of these negative situations, all throughout the day, when that’s what they’ll always be; negative situations. They may not even play out in real life!
What I did know,however, was that it was eating me alive; turning me into someone I couldn’t even recognize.

So now I accept. I accept myself as I am and the reasons that have led me to be where I am today. I accept that not everything is under my control & sometimes, I have to let go.

Like Mr. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow says “For, after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”

I have slowly started to see life what it truly is; A Flawed Beauty; A wonder of its own, unique to it’s Maker.

Rock bottom…

“And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way.” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel

My eyes refuse to see the beautiful colours all around & my brain can’t register what I eat; Pizza, Chocolate, French Fries, Eggplant; it all tastes the same; Bland.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve ‘seen the light’.

It was easy to get adjusted to this darkness. It was the kind that hugged you tight & never let go. It gives that feeling of comfort, that makes you forget what you’ve really been born to do…

I’ve forgotten how to show expressions, I cry when I’m happy (or sad or angry or upset or bored).

I used to be quite strong but right now I don’t want to wake up in the morning or sleep at night. All I wish to do is Nothing. All my dreams & interests, all seem like a far-away thought, something like a forgotten friend…

Every time I have a reason to smile a little, something insignificant comes up & I spiral downwards once again…

I know I’ve hit rock bottom.

I’ve heard it all before, that things will get better, that there’s no way around but Up but I feel that I’m just digging around me and scurrying further into the dark hole.

I have started to slowly dig around, to find the light to guide me to where I’m supposed to go but as for this moment, I’ll stay here, safe & sound.