Am I Sick?

“I’ve been embraced by a new community. That’s what happens when you’re finally honest about who you are; you find others like you.” – Chaz Bono

I have a husband and a baby on the way
But I don’t understand why
I don’t love him anymore
(or if I ever did?)

There is a lady I know
Who feels the same way as I do
But I don’t understand why
She’s the one I want

They call it a sickness
And that I’m a sinner
It’s written in the Holy Books
And it’s Punishable in the eyes of the Law

Is there a cure
Of this crazy disease
That makes me love someone
Who is made like me

What can I do except try & forget
This feeling growing inside me…

Acceptance

“…When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.” ― John Green

Once you accept everything in your control and all that isn’t, life suddenly seems like a ‘breeze’ to live.
It feels as though a weight is lifted off your shoulders. It’s easier to breathe, to love and to smile.

There was a question, always on my mind; “What if?”

What if I studied a bit more?
What if I feared a bit less?
What if I did something more useful?

What if? What if? What if?

I got tired of asking these questions to myself; day in & day out.
I got tired that my brain and my heart had to go through this whole round of hate, self- pity & regret to answer those questions.

I detested the fact that I put myself through all of this self-doubt & negativity. It was absolutely awful.
Imagine thinking about all of these negative situations, all throughout the day, when that’s what they’ll always be; negative situations. They may not even play out in real life!
What I did know,however, was that it was eating me alive; turning me into someone I couldn’t even recognize.

So now I accept. I accept myself as I am and the reasons that have led me to be where I am today. I accept that not everything is under my control & sometimes, I have to let go.

Like Mr. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow says “For, after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”

I have slowly started to see life what it truly is; A Flawed Beauty; A wonder of its own, unique to it’s Maker.

Rock bottom…

“And I know, knew for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane:…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not—and not some other way.” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel

My eyes refuse to see the beautiful colours all around & my brain can’t register what I eat; Pizza, Chocolate, French Fries, Eggplant; it all tastes the same; Bland.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve ‘seen the light’.

It was easy to get adjusted to this darkness. It was the kind that hugged you tight & never let go. It gives that feeling of comfort, that makes you forget what you’ve really been born to do…

I’ve forgotten how to show expressions, I cry when I’m happy (or sad or angry or upset or bored).

I used to be quite strong but right now I don’t want to wake up in the morning or sleep at night. All I wish to do is Nothing. All my dreams & interests, all seem like a far-away thought, something like a forgotten friend…

Every time I have a reason to smile a little, something insignificant comes up & I spiral downwards once again…

I know I’ve hit rock bottom.

I’ve heard it all before, that things will get better, that there’s no way around but Up but I feel that I’m just digging around me and scurrying further into the dark hole.

I have started to slowly dig around, to find the light to guide me to where I’m supposed to go but as for this moment, I’ll stay here, safe & sound.

To the Critical One

“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That’s what connects us–that we’re all broken, all beautifully imperfect.” ― Emilio Estevez

She’s the one who has a crush;
On a friend who says he loves another…

She doesn’t have a lot of boys hitting on her
Although, she doesn’t understand when they actually do…

She is 21 & has never been kissed,
Never been on a date or ever asked out…

She doesn’t remember when she did,
fall head over heels in love with him…

It was crazy the way her heart would beat,
every single time he greeted her…

Every time she wanted to ask him out;
She ran to the bathroom to remind herself,
How ugly and pudgy she had become…

She assumed she isn’t the kind of girl
any guy would want to date,
let alone her friend who is simply perfect..

What she didn’t realise was that like everyone else;
She is human with a heart & soul,
That’s just as pure & white
as the winter snow…

She was so critical & negative about herself;
She couldn’t see the beauty in the world itself…

That her crush is just as human as she is
That he has his own insecurities as she does…

That it doesn’t matter what you look on the outside;
It doesn’t diminish your value on the inside…

That he too wanted to ask her out;
But he was scared as she was just perfect…

If only she loved herself a little more
she would’ve known,
how beautiful she truly was…

It wasn’t her figure, face or grace
but it was ‘something’ about her
that attracted him to her instead…

It was the positivity she radiated and
her smile that he loved;
the fact that she was smart & kind
and that she laughed all the time…

If only she wasn’t so critical;
she would’ve known,
how beautiful she truly was…

To the One who never left

“Everytime people ask me if I’m okay, it’s just a reminder that I’m not” – Read somewhere

It was easy,

Slipping to the Dark Side…

It gave her comfort & warmth

Things she no longer felt

Around the people

Who said they loved her

They asked her,

Why was she was so quiet & sad

She had no answer to give

They would suggest Yoga & Breathing exercises

Nothing worked she told them…

So they just left her lying in the dark

It was easier,

Than to deal with her…

She stayed there till she met someone

Who just didn’t want to leave

When she went to the dark,

He followed

When she was cold,

He wrapped his arms around her

When she wanted to hide under the blanket

He hid with her

She couldn’t believe

There was someone

In this big & cruel world

Who loved her more than

She could ever love herself

She never strayed to the dark side again

She didn’t want him

To feel the Pain she did

She wanted to protect him

And Love him

She smiled for the first time that night…