Am I Sick?

“I’ve been embraced by a new community. That’s what happens when you’re finally honest about who you are; you find others like you.” – Chaz Bono

I have a husband and a baby on the way
But I don’t understand why
I don’t love him anymore
(or if I ever did?)

There is a lady I know
Who feels the same way as I do
But I don’t understand why
She’s the one I want

They call it a sickness
And that I’m a sinner
It’s written in the Holy Books
And it’s Punishable in the eyes of the Law

Is there a cure
Of this crazy disease
That makes me love someone
Who is made like me

What can I do except try & forget
This feeling growing inside me…

To the One who never left

“Everytime people ask me if I’m okay, it’s just a reminder that I’m not” – Read somewhere

It was easy,

Slipping to the Dark Side…

It gave her comfort & warmth

Things she no longer felt

Around the people

Who said they loved her

They asked her,

Why was she was so quiet & sad

She had no answer to give

They would suggest Yoga & Breathing exercises

Nothing worked she told them…

So they just left her lying in the dark

It was easier,

Than to deal with her…

She stayed there till she met someone

Who just didn’t want to leave

When she went to the dark,

He followed

When she was cold,

He wrapped his arms around her

When she wanted to hide under the blanket

He hid with her

She couldn’t believe

There was someone

In this big & cruel world

Who loved her more than

She could ever love herself

She never strayed to the dark side again

She didn’t want him

To feel the Pain she did

She wanted to protect him

And Love him

She smiled for the first time that night…

Tonight is unusually silent

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Tonight is unusually silent. The usual sounds of crickets in our backyard & soft wind blowing against the leaves were replaced by this silence.

It’s unusually quiet …The kind of silence before a storm.

The clock shows me it’s just 3am & I can’t seem to sleep anymore. I look at the frame besides it & see our smiling faces stuck in time forever, framed on our bed side table. It was the day we left for our honeymoon.

I can’t remember the date; it was so long ago.

We have been through so much since then.

I remember the day we got back & you got that dreaded phone call. I know it’s your duty & everything but I could never make peace with the fact that the woman I love, had to leave maybe never to return.

I’m one of the proudest husbands around! How can I not be? My beautiful & strong wife serves in the army…
It is an honor to even be associated with someone who partakes in something as noble as protecting your country & it’s countrymen from those who wish Her harm; and here I am, married to one such person.

Each scar on her body reminds me of how wonderful she is, each & every one of them is a souvenir of every bad day & some good ones she has been through in the past 5 years. They have done nothing but enhance her beauty.

But no matter how proud I am, it kills me inside; slowly.

Seeing you in that uniform, waving goodbye & blowing flying kisses, I can’t help but hold you and never let you go.

I love you but these goodbyes are the hardest. I can’t even imagine the horrors you go through, all the terrible things you see; things that haunt you for days on end but I live a nightmare every single minute of every single day you are away.

Your letters to me & the 30 second phone calls are the only things that keep me going all that time you aren’t here.

I can’t imagine a world that you are not a part of…

Tonight is unusually still…

I can feel the soft breeze touch my face & I see you standing there in front of me. You are waving back at me & blowing flying kisses, but it isn’t you, it was just an illusion…

The unusual stillness was broken by the sounds of a man in a uniform walking towards our doorstep.

It began to rain…

Letting You Go…

“I finally understood what true love meant…love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.” ― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

I Love You so
I’ll let you go
I can’t bear to see
How unhappy you’re here with me…

He’s everything to you
That I can see
The only difference between us is
That I’m not him…

Be with him
You two are meant to be…

Our stars say
We are a match
How can we be one when
You don’t love me

I’m glad you met “The One”
Be happy, that’s all I wish…

In the future, I may meet another
However, you’ll always be the one
I’ve ever truly loved…

I’m letting you go
This is hard for me…
So ignore my emails & texts,
My cards & calls,

Tell me it’s over, again and again
Till my heart learns
To Live without you once more…

Just another Letter…

“Falling in love is very real, but I used to shake my head when people talked about soul mates, poor deluded individuals grasping at some supernatural ideal not intended for mortals but sounded pretty in a poetry book. Then, we met, and everything changed, the cynic has become the converted, the sceptic, an ardent zealot.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri

Dear <insert my nickname for you (- can’t write that here!)>,

I’ve had so many crushes in the past & I’m pretty sure a few guys may have even flirted with me (Although I was so full of myself, that I just never noticed). I’ve never enjoyed chick flicks in books or movies as they seemed to be quite fake, but I’ve always loved Love Stories (like the one in the book Water for Elephants).

I loved the ones that were different & it really didn’t matter how they met or how it ended, I simply enjoyed that feeling they shared. It was so private & so intriguing that I couldn’t help but wish I found someone to share that feeling with.

I always thought that when I would meet this “special someone”, it would be amazing. I’d feel this rush of emotions and feelings that would spin the very ground I’m standing on & probably write at least a hundred blog posts just to release all those pent up emotions & he would be the muse.

I wanted to dance with that person & share my latest blog post with him. I wanted to tell him all about my day & try my baking skills on him. I’ve always wanted to meet that one person who would accept me as I am but also for whom I’d like to become a better person with each passing day.

But when I met you, it was all so… normal.

I didn’t even realize that I fell in love with you. I didn’t even know when was that moment when I couldn’t picture myself with anyone else but you. I didn’t know when this non-cynical person inside me started showing herself & all the walls started falling down.

And I realized, that that’s what was different.

It wasn’t just one moment, like the first time we met or the first time you told me you liked me but it was in every moment we spent & the ones we will spend together.

I don’t live in the fear of losing you, instead, all I wish to do is to spend every moment of mine with you & love you.

I feel dizzy when we kiss & when you make up different (weird) nicknames for me each day. I smile like an idiot every time I think about when you plotted with my parents to surprise me on my birthday. I feel at home in your arms & my new favorite scent is you. My heart still beats really fast when I see your name flash on my mobile screen & all the little rituals we have sub-consciously come up with.

So now I dance with you & discuss my latest blog post with you. I tell you about my day & have even baked cupcakes for you & will continue using you as my guinea pig. I love that you love me just the way I am but I still want to be a better person for you each passing day.

I know I haven’t actually asked you this looking into your eyes & all that but here it is – Would you like to spend the rest of your life being my Guinea Pig (I mean, Husband?)?

Love,
<insert your nickname(s) for me (- can’t write them here!)>