The First Time…

“Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul.”― Dave Pelzer

She was four; her first time. It was her cousin. He said it would be a “fun” game but it felt unnatural & disgusting & she did everything in her power to get out of the sickening embrace.

That was her first “Kiss”.

Instead of being a child who was supposed to live freely & think about her next prank or what to play next would instead keep plotting ways to stay away from him & always look over her shoulder.

She was six when he felt her up her skirt. It was the laundry man. He told her he would lift her up & throw her in the air, instead he played this game.

That was the first time, she was touched “there”.

But the fun part was that her firsts weren’t the only ones she experienced.

As she grew, she saw many men repeat this over & over again. When she slept in the bus or some other mode of public transport, someone would start to pinch her breasts while another would put his hands on her thighs & try to force to further in. If she stood, there were men who would grope & try to push & force himself on her.

Some would stare at her in such a way as though he were mentally undressing her while some would show disgusting signs & some out rightly ask how much would she accept for the night.

She’s even had many celebrity moments, pictures being clicked without her permission by disgustingly creepy men while traveling by trains.

She wishes she could have done more.

She wishes she had the strength to punch them in the face after she hit some of them…

She hopes that the men (and women) in her life never accept this as something normal, something that happens when there is a huge crowd but violently protest against it instead…

She has begun to see a few mothers treat their children equally regardless of their gender. (Both should know how to cook & both have to be back home by 10pm).

She now stands up for herself & shows her sisters to do the same instead of accepting this as a way of life.

“Abuse manipulates and twists a child’s natural sense of trust and love. Her innocent feelings are belittled or mocked and she learns to ignore her feelings. She can’t afford to feel the full range of feelings in her body while she’s being abused—pain, outrage, hate, vengeance, confusion, arousal. So she short-circuits them and goes numb. For many children, any expression of feelings, even a single tear, is cause for more severe abuse. Again, the only recourse is to shut down. Feelings go underground.”
― Laura Davis