I almost gave up

He : What’s the matter with you?

Me: Nothing.

Nothing was slowly clotting my arteries. Nothing slowly numbing my soul. Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me. When I am nothing they will say surprised in the way that they are forever surprised, “but there was nothing the matter with her.” – Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Last night,

I almost gave up.

It was the easier way out

There was no hope left

I was scared and

Tired of fighting

all these voices yelling at me

inside my head

and Outside

“You’re Fat”
“You should’ve done more”
“You wasted all these years”

I fed the dark monster

Fed it till it over powered me

I confided in him all my insecurities

All my doubts

All my plans to kill myself & unburden everyone around me

But then there was another voice

It didn’t belong to me or the monster

It came from another world inside me

A world I didn’t know existed

It was created by the person I used to love

Her voice belonged to the woman I was

It told me that I deserved to live

Those voices lie

The monster began to starve

I didn’t give up

I tied a leash around it

I’ve taken many small steps since then

Now here I am

Still fighting & Still alive

I float in Nothingness many times

But it doesn’t last for long

This is a fight that will never end

But I won’t ever almost give up again


2 thoughts on “I almost gave up

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