I have to leave now…

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.” ― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

Dear Best Friend,

Seeing you lying in bed, hogging most of the blue blanket we share, I can’t help but feel that I have no purpose in life other than protecting you from everything evil around us.

I stare at your beautiful face; flawless brown skin, perfectly shaped eyebrows, your long nose, the changing expressions, the slow rise & fall of your chest, your long hair strewn all about the pillow; you look so peaceful, full of hope & light.

I kiss your forehead & you stir slightly but fall back immediately.

We are best friends but I don’t know how or when it happened, but I fell in love with you.

I love when you keep talking & then suddenly stop & begin to think about something, I love that you patiently listen to everything I say & try to solve every problem, every hug & your lipstick marks on my cheeks, the passion in your eyes when you speak about your future, dreams & interests; everything.

But I have to leave. I know I won’t regret my decision because I know you’ll be happy with someone who would be able to take care of you, something you have never experienced. I’m not a coward nor am I trying to be a martyr, I’m just trying to be realistic.

Our story isn’t a romantic novel or some TV series where I can be sure we will be together always but we are something like Fire & Gasoline. Together we would burn everything in our path & each other till there is nothing left.

I love you with a passion that drives me crazy every time you touch me & it scares me that I would fall into the depths of your dark brown eyes, never to return.

Every person you meet, falls in love with you. I get jealous when you speak about the others in your life but I also know that they have the ability to make you happier than I ever can. Your smallest smile can light up my day & a single tear tears me apart inside.

You always choose to see the best in every person, even in a hopelessly flawed person such as me. You give me hope & because of you, I can find the strength within me to forgive myself & others. Your inner glow provides the light to guide me on the very difficult path I’m traveling on.

I know the person you get married to would be the luckiest man in the world to have you standing by his side.

I’m writing all of this because despite your efforts & mine, the demons within me have hacked all through & invaded all of me. I can’t fight them anymore & I’m tired & can’t lift the sword long enough to slash the demons that attack me every single day. Their powers just go on increasing & most days I can’t distinguish between what’s real & what’s not.

I can see things even when they aren’t around.

As I’m writing this to you, the only one I have seen myself with, there is a masked person sitting at the foot of my bed holding a knife already dripping with blood, waiting for me to complete so that I can accompany him to his land.

All I have to do is to have all the tablets lying on the bed side table. He says they would give me the wings I need to fly with him.

My best friend, please don’t think of me as someone who has given up & left you, but as someone who had no other choice because I had to protect you – from me.

I have to leave now.

You must know that every time our songs play on the radio or there is a sudden shower of rain, it would be me thinking about you (like he sings in our favorite country song).

I love you, always & I hope that someday you find the power within yourself to forgive me.


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