“Because I no longer knew who I was” #whyIstayed – Twitter
My Dear Baby,
I feel very small & terribly ashamed to talk to you right now. You are in this state because of the choices I made. I lived in fear & based my choices on that.
I was afraid of moving out, afraid of standing up for myself, afraid of what the world would say, afraid of what he would do, afraid of how I would take care of you.
I didn’t even know who I was anymore. All I knew was that I was his wife & your mother.
I don’t know why I kept my fear ahead of me & didn’t think of you first. Those cuts on your arm, and empty bottle of pills lying on the floor just paints an ugly picture of what a terrible mother I have been.
Looking back I realize I chose to ignore all the little signs that used to tell me that he is not right for me. I was so caught up in the pressure of getting married & parent’s disapproving stares that I chose to ignore the time he yelled & broke a lamp when I cancelled plans with him & spent the day with my best friend (now ex). I ignored the time when he didn’t eat anything the whole day because I was talking to some male friends. I even ignored it when he accused me of cheating on him when I came back home late from work & all those times he asked me to quit my job because he would earn enough for the two of us.
I ignored the way his father treated his mother & the way he spoke to his sister.
He treated me as though I was a piece of furniture & that he owned me. He would kick when he was angry, slap when he felt like displaying his ‘masculinity’, ordered me to sleep with him when he wanted, threw things at me when I spent a little extra on groceries & told me I was worthless till I believed it.
I thought he would change because for every slap, he would bake me cupcakes or wash the dishes, for every time he raped me, he would buy me flowers & he would gift me a new dress to wear when we used to visit his friends. I felt as though everything he did to me was well deserved.
It was all my fault.
I loved him so much that I forgot who I was when I was with him & forgot how to love myself. Everyone I loved, everyone I knew were pushed away because I was too afraid to speak the truth.
When you were born, you should’ve seen the look on his face. It was so beautiful. His face emitted this glow full of love & joy that I forgot everything he did to me. He nearly cried the first time you smiled.
He looked like he finally changed.
But he hadn’t. He now owned two ‘things’. The same cycle repeated itself since you were born until today. Today, when you were so scarred from our screams, my black eyes, wounds on my body & broken lamps that you tried to swallow the pills on my nightstand & use your father’s blade to cut yourself.
Today, my love, I promise to pay you back with love & happiness for every drop of blood spilled, kisses for every tear drop shed & hugs for every breath you lost because of me. I promise I will respect myself enough & love you so much that this part of our life together would forever be in the past & we will never be a part of this again.
Love, Mom x
Note: I have written this after reading so many cases & watching multiple heartbreaking videos related to Domestic Violence. It’s really sad that there are many people (yes, there are many women in this too) out there who feel the need to assert their power & dominate over those around them this way. It’s upsetting that so many repeat what they have seen their parents do, on their partners & children. So many who believe this is the way of live & so many who accept this as their fate.We must all take a stand against his horrific crime & teach our future generation to always take a stand for themselves, respect & love themselves & always remember that they never are & never will be worthless.