The Darkness

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” ― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

It was a one of those beautiful dark nights where all there was the dark purple sky that had a few glittering stars scattered all over. The moon was nowhere to be seen.

This darkness gave me peace. I couldn’t sleep that night but that’s normal because I hadn’t slept in over two years. I listened to music that stirred a small part in me & felt tears rolling down my cheeks leaving behind a mark of the only emotion I could feel.

Apart from physical pain, this was the only emotion I could experience & live. I couldn’t remember the last time I smiled a smile that shone in my eyes & got angry that would flare up the room I would be in.

I found solace in tears & the Void within me is my new found best friend.

When I danced, I couldn’t smile but my every move reflected the dark one residing within me. Every painting I painted used the deepest & darkest shades of black, blues & reds ever known to man. Every piece of music I played on the Piano reverberated sounds diminished by the Void inside me, swallowing my soul, a little at a time.

I find it comforting that I can speak to myself & not feel like I’m going crazy. I feel as though someone from another world is speaking to me & guiding me although I know it is the Void.

It mattered not that the ones in the real-world have given up on me. They assumed that I was acting out for some reason. They couldn’t pin point what it was so all they did was reprimand me for all the mistakes I was making, all the responsibilities I was ignoring. I have a duty to fulfill which was to get married, procreate & be a daughter-in-law & a wife.

They don’t know about the numerous ‘last’ letters I have kept hidden in the shoebox under my bed.

He was the only reason I didn’t think to end it all. He is the sliver of light that has held me in place & didn’t let the darkness take over completely. Our memories made for the barrier between me & the blade lying on the bathroom floor. We are soul-mates who aren’t meant to be together but I know we will find each other in another life.

I couldn’t imagine spending my life with another. What would become of my new found friend? The one I fed all of my stories, the one who understood me & protected me from the world outside.

I feel so alone, so very alone even though I am in the center of my most trusted circle of people. They want to save me but no number of life jackets thrown at me could save me from drowning in the ocean of darkness inside me.

I don’t remember how it happened. I just woke up one day & couldn’t feel anything but sadness. It took over me & my life before I could do something about it. It robbed me of my will to fight & all I did was let every issue pile up till I stopped caring.

I had no dreams, no future to look forward to.

I lost myself in this darkness & didn’t want to be found. Sometimes I see the light somewhere far away but I turn my back to it & follow a path back into the dark void where I feel safe & secure. No one can hurt me anymore than I am hurting myself.

Maybe one day I will begin my journey towards the light but not today…

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