After you left…

“It was strange, really. A couple months ago, I had thought I couldn’t live without him. Apparently I could.” ― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

I used to wonder how long it takes for someone to move on from a broken relationship. A relationship, that towards the end, felt as though there was everything yet nothing, that smelt sweet but was rotten, that had wings but couldn’t fly; a relationship that had an illusion of a foundation from the very start.

I cut off every mode of communication & stashed away every letter you wrote to me with those beautiful hands, deleted every picture, email or chat that would remind me of you yet I could still remember your number. It was stored in the deepest recesses of my brain.

I had clearly not moved on.

Every time I dial a number, yours is the first I type, every time I reach out for my phone I expect to see your name flash by, every time I visit our favorite restaurant I wish I was sitting by your side.

I had still not moved on.

Soon a year passed by since the last time we spoke & I could still remember your voice, clear as though you were speaking to me right now. I could picture your hair, deep-brown eyes & that scratchy beard. I could still smell the scent of your perfume on my pillows.

I was still at the same place & didn’t seem to move an inch.

Today, I woke up to dial your number & check your latest picture on the chat service you introduced me to, but for the life of me, I just couldn’t remember what it was. Did it end with a 0 or a 5? Was there a 3 in the middle? I tried & tried but couldn’t get it right.

I sat still, closed my eyes & tried to find the information in my very own “mind palace” but all I could get were empty echoes of what I thought was your voice. It didn’t even sound the same anymore. Your face showed up distorted like a bad signal on TV.

Nothing was the same, everything felt weird but wonderful. I felt as light as a feather & when I smiled, it wasn’t forced & didn’t hurt me like it used to. It was as though you were right next to me but couldn’t get to me.

From this moment on, you’re a part of my past that I don’t regret living anymore. The feelings I felt for you, the feelings that broke me down & wore me out made me who I am today.

I no longer feel the need to fade away into oblivion.

I have moved on…

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