Lonely in a crowd…

“It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

Sitting on her bed on a cold night snuggled up under a warm blanket, she couldn’t sleep.

It was at this moment she realized how wonderfully lucky she was to have all that she has. To have such a beautiful life & such good people, the family she made & the one she came into the world to, who would do anything for her.

It was also at this moment when she realized how small & how alone she really was. She felt like she was just a tiny drop in the ocean, a tiny speck of sand in a desert, a small bubble of air in the sky. So very small & alone.

She has everything she knows she deserves & probably more.

Yet, she feels so alone. She is breathing but not living. She feels like there is a huge hole in her heart. A hole that is never ending, something that just doesn’t get filled with the million different moments she has lived or the thousand things she has bought or the hundred times she has helped those around her. That gaping hole is still there. It drags her down when she tries to fly; it fills her with suspicions when she meets someone new, it kills the moment she starts to laugh.

This hole reminds her that she is all alone even in a crowd.

She tries with all her heart, brain & gut to live each moment completely but she just can’t feel it, she can’t live it. She tries to let go but something always stops her & she’s stuck half-way along the free fall.

She has visited the most beautiful places on earth that her eyes have seen but she was not amazed by its beauty, She has stood on a mountain peak & not felt the cold snow, She has been on many beaches yet couldn’t taste the saltiness of the sea, she has been to the most beautiful gardens & yet couldn’t smell the scent of the flowers all around her.

She knows she’s the luckiest person in the world to have almost everything she needs but she can’t feel.

She continues to live through each day waiting for the day the hole in her heart would be filled with joy & she just can’t help but feel it. The day she meets the person who would hold her hands & show her that she’s not alone anymore…

 

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